Time Is On Your Side, Fergie (By: Robbo Robson)

Michael Owen scoring his first 'controversial' Old Trafford goal against City

Thank goodness there's more to talk about this weekend than Boro's 5-0 drubbing at home to the Baggies. In the Blue Bell, Happy Hour was re-dubbed Grievin' Evenin', and even then an ocean of half-price pintage could not have drowned the multitude of sorrows that swirled around that boozer.

Anyway onwards and upwards (or backwards and downwards at it was at approximately 10.30pm on Saturday) we're still well-placed and as long as the back-four stop defending like daffodils in an April shower we might clamber back out of the bear-pit.

We were back in the same seats for the Manchester derby, sipping quietly on our bitter shandies. We couldn't drink quickly 'cos that would've involved drawing breath every now and then - and my word, there wasn't time, was there?

The papers were filled with the petty back and forth between Hughes and Fergie. A pair of D-list E-cup F-wording glam girls couldn't have served up a less snippy little hors d'oeuvre.

Tevez was jeered so forcefully by the OT regulars that even the prawns were jumping out of the sandwiches to have a pop at him. That pre-season sky blue billboard was pure wummery, to be fair, although it made me smile to see 'Welcome to Manchester' beneath a picture of the little menacing looking scurrier. I suppose in the Boca they've got a big Rooney billboard to scare off their River Plate rivals.

What a game, though! The back fours need to hire some counsels for the defence pretty damn quick cos if they were my players I'd be prosecuting them to within an inch of their lives.
Foster looks less and less like a top keeper (and by inference more and more like an England keeper) with every game. Rio's still capable of the most dim-witted clangers and as for Micah Richards, what the hell's happened to the lad? Does he lose 10,000 more brain cells with the each chunk of bling?

Mind you, it made for fine entertainment. The attacking flair was for all to see, not least from the Welshmen. Craig Bellamy was at his direct best, not least when (allegedly) slapping the chump who'd got himself on the pitch.

Giggs was immaculate, and an inspiration to us all. We could all be a bit like Giggsy with a little more self-belief and a little less curry and beer. Trouble is the self-belief sometimes comes through the curry and beer. Doesn't it? (That's enough beer talk, Robbo, it's not big or clever - Ed).

I've heard lots of drooling United smarty-pants' saying how it just had to be Owen to bag the winner. Well no. Fergie doesn't have some pre-ordained right to be correct all the time, just 'cos he has the ability the bend time to his will.

If he was correct about, for example, Dimitar Berbatov he'd have taught the headbanded Bulgar to head the ball towards the corners rather than straight at the keeper all the flaming time. Even Darren Fletcher can do that. (By the way, can anyone else hear his name on a commentary without repeating 'Fletcher' in your best Mr Mackay voice? Just me then.)

Sparky's most upset that United were given time to finish the job. I know he's in charge of some sulky millionaires (the City back four's communication skills had all the togetherness and spirit of an Eastenders family Christmas at the Mitchells) but he might have to lay the blame at the door of his own dithering team.

Nevertheless it's more grist to the mill for the Old Trafford conspiracy theorists. To think they spent all that bloomin' money on that particle collider thingammy in Cern when they haven't even begun to explain how time can slow and/or extend within the confines of Manchester United's football stadium.

I mean we all know that Parkinson's Law says summat like 'Work expands so as to fill the time available for its completion'

Fergie's Law states that: 'Time expands so as to make the work available complete.' It'd be a bit one-eyed and ungenerous to claim that Sir Alex is the only footballing deity to have redefined the laws of nature.

There's Arsene's Law, too, that states that: 'The direction in which I am looking shall be the polar opposite to the direction in which a misdemeanour occurs.' This has been contested in recent days by what has become known as the Adebayor Paradox.

There's also Warnock's Law: 'Defeat is always a construct of maladministration.'

And Roman's Law: 'The Champions League is just one manager away.'

Rafa's Law: 'Zones must be marked. The left-back must be average.'

Also, here's an entry from Gerrard's dictionary: 'international friendly n, groin strain'

The Toon Army dictat: 'You get the chairman you deserve.'

Diouf's Law: 'If there's a nose to be found I'll get up it.'

Scotland's Law: 'If it ain't Rangers, it's Celtic.'

The JT Rule: 'I shall be deemed to be a goalkeeper when star-jumping to block a goalbound effort.'

Maradona's Law: 'Great players make bad managers.'

And then there's the noblest of them all, the Denis Law: 'He that shall score 'gainst those that once he called his brothers shall not raise his arm in victory.' Clearly a certain City striker broke the Denis Law, although I'm told there is an Emmanuel Ade-by-law.

United's victory was fair enough really, but you just can't help feeling that four minutes would've been four minutes anywhere else. No more. No less. It's just a good job Sir Roger Bannister didn't break the four-minute mile in Manchester or they'd be ripping up the record books as we speak.

p/s: Robbo Robson is a football blogger for BBC Football. He was raised in Teeside and an experienced football pundit.

Football greats honour Sir Bobby

Some of the biggest names in football have paid their respects to former England manager Sir Bobby Robson at a service at Durham Cathedral. Sir Bobby died on 31 July aged 76 following a long battle against cancer. The service was live on TV and was also beamed to thousands in Ipswich town centre and at St James' Park in Newcastle.

Gary Lineker said Sir Bobby was "gentlemanly, dignified and diplomatic, he never let his country down." In his tribute, the former England striker said: "Bobby was not just a brilliant leader of men that brought the absolute best out of his players, but he was without question the single most enthusiastic and passionate man in football."He made you feel good about yourself and good about the game. "He loved the game and the game loved him. He was a lion of a man, no, make that three lions."

Manchester United manager Sir Alex Ferguson said he was inspired to defer his retirement after advice from Sir Bobby. Sir Alex said: "It was not a question, it was a demand. 'You're not retiring are you?'. "'Of course I'm not' (I said). Not after he'd said that." He said people admired Sir Bobby's "courage, dignity and enthusiasm" and would "forever" remember his "little jig" when England scored a last minute winner against Belgium in the 1990 World Cup.

He said: "Friends have said to me you should never finish a eulogy with a cliche such a 'we'll never see his like again'... but we won't."Former Fulham player Tom Wilson recalled Sir Bobby's early playing days and his love for North East England. Cancer specialist Dr Ruth Plummer spoke about the foundation set up in Sir Bobby's name, which has so far raised £1.8m.

Welsh soprano Katherine Jenkins sang Pie Jesu at the service, also attended by former England players including Paul Gascoigne, Terry Butcher, Alan Shearer, Bryan Robson, David Seaman, Stuart Pearce and Peter Beardsley. Graham Taylor, Terry Venables, Sven Goran Eriksson, Steve McClaren and Fabio Capello, who all managed England after Sir Bobby, were also there.

Other famous footballing figures paying their respects among the 1,000-strong congregation were Bobby and Jack Charlton, Harry Redknapp, Sam Allardyce, David Moyes, Mick McCarthy, Don Howe, Roy Keane, Howard Wilkinson, Niall Quinn, Lawrie McMenemy, John Wark and Paul Mariner. Well-known figures from the North East who attended included TV presenters Anthony McPartlin and Declan Donnelly, actor Tim Healy and athletes Steve Cram and Brendan Foster. The service closed with Tenors Unlimited singing Nessun Dorma, the opera aria which was the BBC theme tune for Italia 90 and became synonymous with the England team's World Cup campaign.

After the memorial, Sir Bobby's son Andrew said he hoped the public service, which followed a private funeral last month, would help his family. He said: "I think it was a final tribute to him and singing Nessun Dorma, which always will be associated with him, at the end of the service was very poignant." Sir Bobby managed England from 1982 to 1990, taking the national side to the quarter-finals of the 1986 World Cup in Mexico and reaching the semi-finals four years later. Before that he had led Ipswich Town to FA Cup and Uefa Cup success.

Following his time with England he had spells in charge of PSV Eindhoven, Sporting Lisbon, Porto and Barcelona, before returning to England to manage Newcastle United. His final coaching role was as an assistant to Steve Staunton - who was also at the service - with the Republic of Ireland. Sir Bobby won the Dutch and Portuguese league titles and the European Cup Winners' Cup with Barcelona. Barcelona president Joan Laporta was also at Durham Cathedral for the invitation-only event.

All divers should be punished (By Robbo Robson)

Ey-up. The head honchos are on the warpath. Eduardo's two-game ban for diving is a welcome one. Not as drastic a punishment as has been proposed on this blog before, but welcome nevertheless.

I've had it up to here with Gooners bleating that it's not fair that their lad got picked on when everybody's at it. Then they recommend the same axe fall on the head of 'honest' Wayne Rooney for his less flamboyant effort on Saturday.

I don't want to keep picking over the slo-mos but while Rooney may well have been turf-bound before Almunia completed the job, Eduardo had a more blatant plunge than Katy Price's neckline.

I kind of worry about Wazza calling himself 'honest' - not cos he's a Dean Richards of a fibber but because 'honest' is football-speak for 'hard-working but ultimately not all that'. It's a word we use for, I dunno, Phil Neville, or Dirk Kuyt, or Titus Bramble.

(Another such phrase is 'good engine' which means that the bloke can keep running for 90 minutes but it's probably best if he doesn't come into contact with the ball during that time). But as far as I can tell, Rooney does try and play the game in the right way, always allowing for the odd two-minute barrage of Sopranos dialogue that heads the way of the refs.

Scott Brown challenges Eduardo over his 'dive'

Thing is, Eduardo's ban has to apply across the board from now on. (Actually I wouldn't mind imposing a couple of retrospective fines now this particular kettle of fish has been opened. The least we could do is punish Rivaldo for that skin-crawling Balamory-standard performance by the corner-flag some years back. I wouldn't fine him, just make him wear a big arrow on his head that says 'UTTER JESSIE').

But there's no point in coming down hard if they dodge a bigger decision over the Real Thing in Madrid, or Mr Messi, who's been known to roll like a craps dice when the need arises.

I know Wenger is pathologically averse to having a pop at his own players but he's been wriggling like a worm on a hook over the Croatian. Boruc 'touched' him, apparently. Yeah? How hard? So blinking hard it wouldn't even have shown up on cricket's Hot Spot.

I hope Eduardo stayed indoors on Thursday 'cos it was a mite windy. The poor lad would've barely made it to the end of his front path before getting swept up into the air like Dorothy in her Kansas home. (I know what you're thinking, gents. Is there anyone who doesn't like Wizard of Oz? There is?! Put 'em up, put 'em up)!

We fans hate to see even a Rooneyesque opportunistic drop if we're on the wrong end of it. If it benefits us there's always the 'there was contact' argument. Or worse still the 'it's part of the game' argument. The game's unwritten golden rule these days is 'see a leg, fall over it'

Even the quintessential 'honest' footballer, Everton's Tony Hibbert, can't resist obeying it. Can't say Moyes or Kenwright have had too much to say about the lad's actions either.

So while it's good that the serial simulators might in future be hung out to dry, it's not good enough for us to coo and crow when our centre-forward cheats his way to a winning goal. If we don't want it to be part of the game then we have to make sure the players who wear our shirts know it. Otherwise it's just a load of hypocritical hogwash.

Besides which there are seven-year-old miniature Ronaldos (complete with Stupido gel on their bonces in most cases - why Dads are letting their lads run about looking like little tussocks of grass is beyond me) and they're all inhaling the loam and clay of this great land of ours every weekend as they slither across the turf in search of shameless advantage. And their Dads are probably beaming from the touchlines, the planks!

I mean, I ask the same question when I hear that some 18-year-old know-nowt has just passed her A-levels in Humanities, Film and Media, and Salad Dressing - what the hell are we teaching our children these days?

Fifa has stepped in with the heavy boot 'n' all with the transfer ban on Chelsea. Well we've been begging for someone to neuter the Abramovic chequebook and Fifa has obliged. Sniggering aside - and the mirth has only just died down in this little corner of Championshipland - it does seem incredibly harsh to stop them buying anybody for 15 months.

The lad Kakuta - who I've seen on Youtube and is going to be frightening if they ever let him start a game (Daniel Sturridge what were you thinking?) - was 'induced' apparently. I have to say it's difficult to know what tapping up actually means.

Agents talk to chief executives who talk to managers who happen to bump into players and the whole merry-go-round seems as murky as Loch Ness. I suppose when it comes to a kid at a minor club suddenly getting into chats with the richest club in Europe it could be clearer-cut.

Thing is, they have to lay down the same law to everyone otherwise it just reeks of vindictiveness. Apart from anything, if the Blues can't buy a bit of cover for the African Cup of Nations, my 50 quid on Chelsea is down the pan and Fifa could well be down the Bell trying to explain themselves. Pronto.